The Surprising Reason Our Parenting Resolutions Fail

Don’t make parenting resolutions this year. If there are things about your parenting you'd like to change, don't resolve to change them! I know that sounds counterintuitive, but there's a better plan than making (and breaking) parenting resolutions.

What if we could make some resolutions that hack our brains into responding differently because the underlying conditions for change are there? I call these feeder decisions. These are small behavior changes that we can stick to that will then enable other changes to take place.

Here’s a typical list of parenting resolutions:

• This year, I will not lose my temper with my kids so much.
• This year, I will pack nutritious lunches and make homemade meals more.
• This year, I will eat healthier, exercise more, and make time for that yoga class. I’ll finally lose the rest of that “baby weight” that I’ve been carrying around (considering that the “baby” in question is in first grade, it’s time).

When we don’t quite live up to these resolutions, we feel bad. The first time we break the resolution, it feels like failing, and who wants to fail their children? But we break those resolutions because we don't set ourselves up for success. Instead, we need to hack our brains and our lifestyles to support change.

Making Feeder Decisions Instead of Resolutions

Parenting New Year's resolutions are likely to fail, so don't make them. Make feeder decisions instead.

Source: melpomen/123RF

Instead of making resolutions about “not losing my temper with my kids,” let’s make a resolution about “setting my brain up for success so that I won’t lose my temper.”

One of the reasons we lose our temper, don’t manage time properly, don’t have the energy to cook, and don’t feel motivated to go to the gym is that we don’t give ourselves the crucial resource we need to do that—a good night’s sleep.

It’s not that we lack willpower. It’s that we lack the ability to use our willpower because sleep helps replenish the neural circuits that our willpower needs. When we sleep, our prefrontal cortex (the part of our brain that helps us use self-control, think ahead, plan logically, and problem solve) is recharged. When the prefrontal cortex doesn’t get enough sleep, it’s like a cluttered desktop. There are all these sticky notes, remnants of yesterday’s objectives and goals, and maybe some garbage. Sure, you can work with a messy desktop, but it’s harder. Sleep clears the desktop and sets the next day up for success.

Feeder Decision No. 1: Sleep

1. I will set a digital bedtime, and I will stick to it.
2. I will set an actual bedtime, and I will stick to it.

We don’t set out intending not to sleep. We all want to have slept already! It’s just that we've trained our brains to be so hungry all the time. As Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable, says, we've lost the ability to be mildly uncomfortable due to boredom, because there’s no need to anymore. Boredom, or any form of emotional discomfort, has become anathema, and that’s a problem.

There’s so much stimulation from our digital media use that we don’t signal our brains that it’s time to relax now. One relatively simple resolution is creating a family digital bedtime and sticking to it. That might mean shutting down the Wi-Fi entirely! The idea is that there’s a time and place for everything, and 90 minutes before bed is time for the Wi-Fi to go to bed. Our hungry brains can be fed again tomorrow. (To read more about a 10-step plan to promote healthy sleep, click here. To read more about how under-sleeping affects developing brains, click here. To read more about sleep and anxiety, click here.).

For a New Year’s parenting feeder decision that can enable all the others, choose this: pick a digital bedtime for the family, and stick to it. Get enough sleep by going to bed early enough. Make the decision that will enable the resolution.

Feeder Decision No. 2: Parental Burnout

1. I will actively combat parental burnout via self-maintenance and self-care.
2. I will understand that self-maintenance and self-care are two different things, and I will make time for both.

The recipe for burnout is a job with little direct result for effort, shifting standards for success, and occasionally, being "punished" for doing the right thing. That pretty much describes parenting. For the first time in history, parents are admitting that the act of parenting itself can create burnout. (To read more about parental burnout, click here. To read more about how to combat it, click here.)

Parenting Essential Reads

Why We Should Normalize Mistakes

Reframing the Mental Load of Parenting

We now know that one contributor to parenting burnout is guilt, and a lot of that guilt comes from when we overreact to our kids. The opposite of overreaction is the co-regulation of emotion. When we can regulate our own emotions, we can help our children regulate their emotions. We call this ability “attunement,” and it’s one of the building blocks of attachment. When we're over-stressed and burned out, we can’t attune to our children. (To read more about attunement, click here.)

Burnout blocks attunement. It’s not that it’s harder—it’s that the neurological processes to support attunement don’t exist when we’re stressed. This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but to be a better parent, focus on yourself. Self-care is child care. When we engage in both self-maintenance (making healthy choices, exercising, and taking care of our physical bodies) and self-care (finding time for joy experiences that may not involve our children), ultimately, we recharge our batteries and undo burnout. Then all the “I won’t snap at my kids; I’ll be more patient” resolutions become possible.

Let’s use our 2020 vision this year, and not make parenting resolutions. Let’s make feeder decisions that set us up for success instead.

© Robyn Koslowitz, 2019